Dear Subaru,

You will never read this. And even if the world turned upside down and you did you wouldn't understand because I'm not going to translate this into Japanese. That's why I can write this here where no one and especially you will ever care enough to look.

I don't understand the point of my life. Sometimes - a lot lately - I wish I'd never been born.

Most of the time I don't write what I'm feeling unless it's something positive or I can find a way to put a positive twist on whatever it is, because I want to be an inspiration. Not a drag. Not a vampire that sucks all the good out of people. But you know what? Every time I write something nice or encouraging deep down I'm scared it will come back and bite me in the ass. And it does. Every time. Because for every good thought  in my head there are a hundred more negative ones. I'm a hypocrite. I preach about being grateful and moving forward and trying to shine but most of the time I'm incapable of those things.

I'm the person that's angry, hurt, hopeless, and has nothing to give. Who more often than not feels invisible and worthless. I want so badly to be someone. For my life to have meaning. But I'm just nothing.

I've tried hard to get out of this hole but it must be where I belong because I'm always back here.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to work through my issues and love myself. I'm tired of trying to get the audition or the job. I'm tired of being alone, untouched. I'm tired of feeling sad for my family. I'm tired of feeling guilty for feeling the way I do. I'm tired of loving someone I'll never know. I'm tired of longing. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of feeling invisible. I'm tired of things not working out. I'm tired of knowing I'm wasting my life because even so I'm blessed with clothes on my back and a roof over my head. I'm tired of being ignored. And most of all I'm tired of trying so hard to be a better person and to make something of my life and failing.

A friend told me that happy endings and happiness are all different for everyone because we are all different and so one person's image of an amazing life differs from another's. I agree. So I thought about what my version would look like. Am I sad because I'm looking at other people's versions and thinking that should be mine?

When I look at what I want from life I see two things: love and purpose.  Maybe that's vague so let me explain. I'm sure it's what everyone wants, but here's what it looks like for me....

I want to be with someone heart and soul. I want to share myself with someone in the deepest way possible, to entangle our bodies, our hearts, our souls, and understand each other. I want to give myself completely and I want the same in return, I want someone by my side as we navigate life and grow spiritually together, always supporting each other, challenging each other, and always accepting and honoring where the other person is at. I want a true soul companion on my journey. I want to be part of a partnership that inspires others with its purity of heart. And perhaps silliest of all, I really just want to be in love. Properly. To like someone so much and know they feel the same way about me too. To hold and be held. For my eyes to flutter shut as he kisses me and it tastes so sweet...  I'm not particular about whether or not there's a marriage license involved. And while I would love to share the experience of parenthood with that person, it's not a deal breaker. I'm getting older and by the time I find someone if I ever do it's very likely that I will no longer be able to have a baby.

As far as purpose goes... I want to feel like I'm part of humanity's evolution. Like I'm doing something that affects the world in a positive way. I want to be seen, and to shine. To really come into my own so that I can do good for the world. I want to be a leader, an example. I want to have a show on TV or the internet that pioneers and supports new ways of thinking and living, that can pave the way for a better world by presenting role models. I want to talk to people about what we can do to heal ourselves and the planet. I want to steer the media and entertainment industry away from being empty propaganda and mindless distraction. I want, instead, for it to be a source of hope and empowerment, and an example of all that we CAN do as human beings. Of all the good, love, and healing we're capable of.

So do you see how I'm a hypocrite?

This is coming from a person who has never had more than a few dates and who is just as damaged, if not more so, than your average person. I may be drawn to all these lovely groundbreaking ideas but I'm no example. I'm still trying to hold my own in the conventional world, nowhere near ready to level up and be part of the new,evolutionary way of living.

Maybe the problem is that I always thought I was somehow special. That that kind of love was out there for me and that I would make a difference. That I had a special gift and light to shine on the world and that if I just healed the wounds of my childhood I'd be able to pull those things out of myself and create a beautiful, amazing life full of love and meaning, that would maybe even touch hearts around the world. I'd leave a mark. I'd do my part. I'd grow and evolve spiritually. And I would die having made the most of my existence.

But nothing is going according to plan. Whatever journey of self-discovery and healing I've been on only keeps getting more painful as I discover time and time again that the world does not want what I have to give (To the point that I don't even know what it is I have to offer anymore.) There only seems to be rejection at every turn. Perhaps because what I have, what I am,  is nothing special. Because I'm not beautiful or particularly talented and all these passionate feelings about healing and changing the world for good are just that... feelings.  I don't know how to do any of those things. I'm just like the majority of the population on this planet who has no fucking clue except for the fact, perhaps, that I think about this stuff more often than others might.

I used to scoff at the emptiness I perceived in the typical suburban life and say that I never wanted to just stay in one place and get married, have kids, and have some random job just so I could have more material things. But I wonder now if part of me wasn't just jealous of that simplicity. And if part of me resented it because it didn't feel like an option open to me. After all, if I couldn't get a boyfriend how was I ever going to get married and have kids?

Even now I wonder if there's not an aspect of that still at play. Maybe I'm trying so hard to find some kind of purpose or meaning to my life because I could never get it in the typical way women are taught we're "valuable." That is, by being a wife and mother. If I can't be a wife and mother then I have to find some other purpose, something bigger. Why should my value be determined by my usefulness to men or to society? No, I'll go beyond it. I'll be valuable to the world, to humanity... Something like that....

I'm sorry I am how I am. I'm sorry I'm selfish and ungrateful. I know despite the struggles that I've been blessed. I've always had everything I need to live and the privilege of a good education, the chance to travel and enjoy entertainment. But I feel empty. I feel invisible. I feel like my place on earth would be better allotted to someone else. Like, I'm wasting it all.

It used to be a matter of self-loathing. Then I got angry at the world for making me feel forsaken. And now I don't know how to feel. I realize the whole 'you create your reality' thing comes to play here but if this is all my creation then I feel nothing but defeat. Because it's not like I haven't spent the last five years trying to address and fix my insides in hopes of  "creating" a better life. The thought of trying again. And again. And yet again is mendokkusai.

So... I'm going to gather all the energy I can barely muster and try to be hopeful, positive, and do my best to put myself out there in order to..... what, exactly? Get more rejection emails from agencies on a daily basis? Have my roommate get mad at me for practically everything, for basically existing? Have people say they want to work with me and then not follow through? Watch my family fall apart? Be overlooked by every man on the planet?

I feel like I've tried and the Gods have spoken. The answer is NO.

So what's left for me to do, huh? I don't even know what I believe in anymore. Even the whole 'everyone is special in some way and has a special gift to give the world'  idea is questionable right now.

And maybe the worst part is that I know by now that no one is coming to make it better. There are no knights in shining armor, no interventions, and hell, not even hugs. I am alone like I've always been. And I can't go home because there's only more suffering there.

And I'm so greedy that even at the Eito concert I was sad because I wanted you to look at me and you didn't. God, give me that at least! It's not like you'll ever know me but at least let me have one moment....

But who says I deserve that look more than any other girl in that dome. I don't. Who cares what I'm going through. And who knows what every other girl is going through.

I'm glad you're happy. It must be great to be seen and adored and supported and to know that you inspire and bring a smile to thousands of people.

I would love to be even a fraction of what you are.

But it doesn't look like I'll ever get it right.

I don't understand why, but dreams don't come true for everyone.

You're one of the lucky ones and I'm not. I always felt we were the same. We're both just people and your heart has suffered a lot too. I thought maybe I had charisma too and that I could have some kind of impact on others. But I guess we only ever see what we want to. Because you and I are completely different. You're on another level.
You're shining and I feel mostly dead inside.
This is why we'll never meet.
I'd probably just bring you down.
And that's not right.

Stay bright, Subaru.

I can fade away and no one will notice or care, but that's not the case for you.

Aniella

08

Dear Subaru,

It's been a while hasn't it?

I turned 29. I can't believe that in just one more year I'll be 30!

The last few years have been the worst.
A lot of ups and downs. A lot of tears.
Hopelessness. Frustration. Fear.
I was resigned to it staying like this.
With 30 looming I thought for sure I would feel worse.
Like, here I am 30 and I've gotten nowhere....
I was NOT looking forward to the future.

But surprisingly enough things have turned a corner!
Actually, even with 30 in the distance, I feel calm. A strange sense of comfort.
There's no need to fight anymore. You can only fight for so long before you allow yourself to accept and forgive. I understand what's inside me and I can live with it now. I can even embrace and respect it.
This is who I am and it's okay! In fact, it's great!!!
My life might not be what I thought it would be by now. But in some ways it's so much more.
And everything I've been through has led  me to this moment. To my growth and evolution.

I can't help but be proud of myself.
I set 2013 as the year in which I would start to work things out and it's taken until October but it's beginning to happen!

There were some things that happened this summer that made me realize that there's no point in focusing on what you aren't or what you feel you're missing. You never know when life is going to throw a curve ball at you so instead of focusing on how nothing is working, or nothing is how you expected or wanted it to be, it's better to focus on the positive so you can get all the joy you can. We can't change a lot of what happens around us, and we certainly can't change our past, but we can make peace and love what is instead of what we wish was. We can change our attitude. And we can change our focus.
We can focus on what's good in our lives. On what we love.  On the people we love. On what we believe in. On the simple fact that our life is a blessing. It's a journey. It's an opportunity to grow and do good.
No matter what we're here to feel and learn and evolve.
We're not here to acquire status or possessions or to control fate.
We're here as a gift. 

And isn't life a wonderful thing?
Because when we stop focusing on the negative and let go of some of that fear and hurt good just comes flooding in!

Lately, I've been meeting so many interesting people and making new friends!
I want to go out! I feel ready and excited to participate in the world!
This is new, believe me.
For a while there, I really isolated myself. I only had two friends I saw on a regular basis and then one moved away. But that's how it was supposed to be. It reminds of something I read in a book one time. The author said that when you're facing a lot of internal wounds and going through the process of cleansing and growing, that you'll notice that you're alone a lot, that your circle of friends gets smaller. And that was certainly true for me in the last few years.

But now my heart is opening again and so so are the doors letting new people and things into my life.

And from here who knows?

Maybe I'll even meet you someday :)

I wonder what's to come....
You're 32. How's it been for you since you turned the corner? I know you had a turning point too around the time you turned 30. So I wonder what your experience has been like since! What are your new challenges and discoveries?

I can't wait to see you in concert again.
So looking forward to it!

Much love,

Aniella

P.S. The Book: http://www.thepresenceportal.com/ (日本語のページもあるよ）

07

Dear Subaru,

Do you ever feel knocked down?
Try and try again and nothing?

Plans canceled or forgotten. Emails unreturned. Invitations ignored. Projects in limbo.

Does it ever piss you off?

It's a fucking honor to know me. I have a lot to offer.
I'm passionate.
I'm engaged.
I try to be aware. I care about the world I live in.
I try.
To face my pain. To give back.
To love and to heal.

But sometimes it doesn't seem to matter.

I'm just like any other person, worthy and good, and I demand to be seen!

So I'm just going to do my thing.

Call it stubborn. Call it persistence. Call it whatever you want but I'm tired of lying down. If you don't want what I have then so be it. But I'm here. I have something to give. And that's no accident. Someday. Someday someone... the world...will want me. My very own unique combination of qualities and gifts and talents.

And until then I'll be here.
Nurturing.
Festering.
Blossoming.
Gestating.

Then I'll be in full bloom and you won't be able to miss me.

Expand.

Aniella

06

Dear Subaru,

How are you today?

My heart feels a little sad.

Sometimes I think the pain in my heart will always consume me.

It's funny almost. Because the older I get the more I understand that whatever hurt I've accumulated from the past doesn't have to define my life. That I can choose to be who I want to be. 

But the more I set my mind on healing the wounds in my heart the more stinging and present they become.

I suppose that's a necessary thing. We must pull back the bandage and uncover the wound first before we can begin to treat it.

Still, some days I feel like nothing will ever change. That I'll be sad and lonely and frustrated forever.

So I have to remind myself that opening your heart isn't always easy.

There's a reason it closed itself away in the first place.

And just like a hurt puppy, it can take a lot of coaxing to get it to trust enough to step out into the light.

What a closed heart needs is Love.Warmth. Patience. Reassurance.

So in those moments when I feel myself being swallowed by the darkness I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and tell myself, "I understand. It's okay. I love you." 

Because healing comes from compassion. And compassion starts within.

Then I look up into the sky, so free and expansive, and try to remember that I'm not alone. 

That I live in an amazing world full of infinite possibilities.

Our pain is a catalyst. It's shows us the purity and depths of our hearts. It deserves respect and honor. And most of all

Compassion.

Compassion.

For me.

For you.

For the world.

Compassion.

The Heart beats.

Aniella

05

Dear Subaru,

Happy Valentine's Day!

Did you get chocolate? 

Are you going on a date?

I used to hate Valentine's Day. 

In the United States, especially in High School and University, the holiday is all about romance. So if you don't have a partner it's a reminder of what you don't have. And in my case, I always really wanted a boyfriend. Love. Sex. Romance.

But I was scared. 

Like with so many things I was scared. 

My Dad wasn't around.

My step-dad was always putting me down. 

I thought men couldn't love me. 

And because I believed that, that became my experience.

The boys I liked didn't return my feelings. Or they made promises and then broke them.

I've always wanted to be loved as a woman. Romantically.

To be told I'm beautiful and amazing and mine.

I wanted it so much it was scary. There was too much to lose.

So I didn't trust. I ran away. I guarded my heart with an army of a thousand men.

But it's hard being alone. The heart cries when it can't connect. 

So I dared to take a step toward love.

And I discovered the most important love of all.

Self-love.

It's not until you love yourself that you can truly accept love from another. And it's not until you love yourself that you can truly love another. 

A love without chains. A love that flows with the tide of time. A love that's deep and strong and unconditional. A love that's equal. A love that's passionate and pure.

How can you achieve this kind of love without the security gained from loving yourself first?

You can't.

So today on this Valentine's Day, and forever more, I'm going to nurture the love I have for myself. 

For life. For everyone!

Because the heart is a muscle. The more you use it the better shape it will be in!

Besides, I won't settle for anything but the greatest of loves. And when it comes I need to be ready for it.

So I don't know what  you're doing tonight Subaru, but I have a date with myself!

Wine, chocolate, strawberries, a hot bath, a good book, and lingerie ;)

And thanks.

To everyone and everything.

To my heart.

I hope your heart stirred with love today,

Aniella

すばるへ、

ハッピーバレンタインデー！

チョコレートもらった？

デートするの？

昔はバレンタインデー嫌いだった。

アメリカでは、特に高校と大学の時に、バレンタインデーというのは恋愛を祝うというの日です。だから彼氏か彼女がいないのを思い出させる。私の場合、彼氏とかセックスとか恋をすることも必死に欲しかったのでいつも辛い日になった。

その頃のあたしはすごく怖かったと思う。

お父さんにほとんど見捨てられた。

そして、育ってくれた義理の父はとても厳しい人で、よくそれが度を過ぎて罵られたこともあった。

男に愛されるはずないと思ってはじめた。

この考え方のせいでもちろん愛されてくれればでも男からの愛情を受け取ることができなかった。

なので好きな人に振られちゃってのパターンが多かったです。

いつも女として愛されたくて、「あなたが綺麗…素晴らしい…俺の女だ」と言われたかった。

恐ろしい程に欲しかった。

だから、信頼するのは難しくていつも逃げた。心は大勢の兵士によって守られていた。

でも寂しさは苦しいよね。

心はふれあいがないと泣いてくる。

そんな訳で愛に近づいてることを決めた。

そして、一番大切な愛を見つけた。

自己愛です。

自分を愛するようになるまで他の人の愛がちゃんと受け取られない。自分を愛するようになるまで他の人を本当に愛することができない。

真の愛。チェーンをつけずにの愛。時に勢いに従うの愛。同等の愛。情熱で純粋なの愛。強くて深いの愛。無条件の愛。

自分を愛するのためできてる安全を持たないとこういう恋愛が出来ないじゃないですか？

出来ないと思う。

だから、今日このバレンタインデーに、これからもずっと、自己愛を育って、

周りの人への愛

神様への愛

人生に対する愛を増えていく。

だって、心臓は筋肉でしょう？運動が必要！

しかも、真の愛しか受け入れない。こういう恋愛は人生に来るまで用意しなければならない！

だから、今夜はね、自分とデートするよ～

お風呂はいて、チョコレート食べて、ランジェリー着きながら好きなことをする予定です～

そして、感謝

皆に

全てに

心に。

すばる、今日の一日一瞬間だけでも、愛に胸を打たれたことを願っています、

アニー

04

Dear Subaru,

How are you?
I'm feeling good.

It's already February. I'm ready for it to be warm. I don't like winter. In fact, I hate the cold. But even though it's cold outside, these days I feel warm on the inside.

Ignited, actually.
Burning.

My heart feels open. My motivation is high. I'm overflowing with gratitude.

It's....nice.

It's been a while but life feels good. Even the little things like choosing what to wear or eat. All of it is fun. Important. Something to look forward to.  

I want to go out! I want to talk to people! I want to give love! I want to work! I want to play! I want to make love! I want to express! I want to create! I want to laugh, cry, feel, do my best.... I want it all!

I'm discovering how great life is when you believe in yourself and in your life. I may be one person, and I may be small, but I can love and bring joy and encouragement to other people if that's what I choose to express in my life.

There are still moments of doubt. Of sadness. Those will always come. They're part of life. But I'm learning to navigate them. And through that I'm awakening to my own inner peace and joy and light.

And that's my journey.

That's why I came to Japan almost 6 years ago. To find myself. To become stronger. To find the confidence necessary to live a full and meaningful life.

And it takes time. I may be a late bloomer. But I'm doing it. I'm living a life I can be proud of.

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone in some of my darkest moments.

Thank you for showing us who you are. It has helped me get here.

I  like you a hell of a lot.

Aniella


すばるへ、

お元気ですか？
私はとても元気です。

もう2月だな。早く暖かくなって欲しい。冬が好きじゃないの。寒いのが嫌いですから。外は寒いのでも私の中が熱いです。

燃えている！

心を開いていると感じてます。やる気が強い。感謝で満たされています。

この気分がいいな。

久しぶりに生活が気持ちいいです。何を食べるか何を着るか、そんな些細なことでも楽しくなってきた。全てのは大切。楽しみ事もいっぱい。

出かけたい！話したい！愛したい！仕事をしたい！遊びたい！抱きたい！感じたい！表現したい！泣きたい！笑いたい！全力で生きたい！

自分を信じれば、人生を信じれば、生きてることが楽しくなる事が分かりました。私は小さくて世界の人々の一人だけなんですけど、人を励まして喜ばせることができる。そんな存在でいれば十分ですよね。

もちろん疑う瞬間まだある。悲しい瞬間も。これからも一生に続いていくだと思う。人生の一部だから。
でも、だんだんその落ち込んでる瞬間を乗り切るようになってる。
そんなわけで心の平安と喜びと光 に目覚めている。

今回、私の人生はこういう旅だと思う。

自己発見のため六年前に日本へ来ました。強くなりたかった。充実した意義のある人生をおこるために必要な自信を探していた。

時間かかるよ。
進行形だな。

遅咲きなんですが、やってるよ。誇りあるの人生をおくっているよ。

そして、暗闇のなかにいる時一人じゃないと感じさせてくれてありがとう。
いつも自分を正直に見せてくれてありがとう。

大好きです。

アニー

03

Dear Subaru,

Do you remember the time you told me, 'I love you too'?

It was at the Janiben taping over a year ago now.

When I said, "I'm a Subaru fan." You said, "Thank you. I love you too."

It made me so happy.

Simple words.

But they meant the world to me. 

Today we had rehearsal and I wasn't feeling very confident.

There is another girl that does my same part. And as I watched her, as I saw her get a million compliments, I couldn't help but feel like I can't compare. That I'm just not good enough and never will be. I know a lot of it is in my head. I know what I need is confidence. That I shouldn't compare myself to others. But it's not that easy for me. 

Still, when it came to my turn I did my best. 

Because that's all I can do. 

As I walked home familiar thoughts filled my head:

Why do you even try?

It's pointless to keep going after these dreams.

You've wasted too much time.

You'll never get out of your way enough to actually succeed.

When I got home there was one new email in my inbox. From my co-worker.

Great job today!

See you tomorrow.

He had noticed how I felt and took the time to offer words of encouragement. Three words and I felt lighter. Hopeful. Ready to keep trying.

Simple words. 

But they meant the world to me.

All it takes are a few kind words to warm a person's heart. 

Thank you.

I love you.

Great job.

Uttered in one breath. Heard or read in an instant. But the effects can last a lifetime.

So why not take the time to love more with our words? 

That's what I thought today.

Aniella

すばるへ、

私に「I love you too」を言ったこと覚えてる？
一年ほど前ジャニ勉の収録であったできごとです。

「誰のファン？」と聞かれたら、「すばるさんです」答えた後にあなたが英語で「Thank you. I love you too」と言ってくれました。

凄く嬉しかったです。

簡単な言葉なのに掛け替えのないものになった。　

今日はリハーサルあって、あまり自信が無かった。
同じ役をやってる同僚が居たで、彼女の演奏を見て皆に褒められたのを見ながら、あたし…彼女と比較にならないなと思ってしまった。自分がダメだな。不十分だな…まで思った。多分自分だけ思ってる。それを分かる。自分自信が必要のも分かる。自分を他人と比べては行けない。分かってる！全部分かってる。でも、どうしょうもない。こうになってしまう。私の嫌いなとこです。

しかし、あたしの番になった時全力でやりました。
それしか出来ないから。

帰り道でおなじみの思考：

努力して何の意味があんの？
夢を追うことはもう無駄だな…
もう遅いだな…
やっぱり自分に勝てない…

帰ったら新しいメール受信トレイであたしを待ってた。同僚から。

よくできたよ！！お疲れ！
また明日ね！＾＾

彼が私の気持ちを気付いてて励ましてくれた。
軽くなった。希望に満ちた。
よし、また頑張ろう！！って思った。
本当に助かった。

ありがたいありがたいありがたいありがたいありがたいそんな優しさをありがたい。

簡単な言葉なのに掛け替えのないものになった。

そんなに簡単だな、人を助けることは。言葉だけで心を温める。

良いわね愛の言葉、

ありがとう

愛してる

よくできた

一息に口にしてる。一瞬で聞こえてる、読んでる。でも意味が、人の中に生きて、一生続く。

愛の言葉。

言ってみたらどう？

今日はこう思った。

アニー

02

Dear Subaru,

Happy New Year!

I wonder what 2013 will bring.

2012 wasn't what I expected. I had such high hopes only to be disappointed in the end. Life has been such a struggle and despite my best intentions it only seems to be getting harder. Sometimes I think that if this is the way it's going to be then I'm just done. Aren't things supposed to get better as you get older? Don't you find yourself, find success, find a partner, etc... as you get older? I'm 28 and I feel as lost as I was at 17.

But I won't give up. That's the one thing I can be proud of, my resilience.

Because as painful as it all is I know it's all for a reason. It's life giving me the opportunity to heal and make the realizations I need to in order to bloom, grow, and achieve my potential. But wow. I must be the most hard headed person in existence because it's certainly been difficult. The downs keep coming and I can't seem to get it right.

So 2013, how are we going to do this?

There's no time to waste.

The world is going through a critical time. It needs more happy people. It needs what each person can offer.

So I want to find what that is for me.
I want to find that place where I belong; where my life has meaning and value.
I want to make a difference.
I want to contribute to the good in the world.

Damnit, I want to be someone!

I was at the concert on 1/1 and I was blown away by how much love there was in that dome. When that many people come together with love it's pure magic. So imagine.... if the people of the world came together with one heart.. one love... (Bob Marley, anyone?!) how far could we go? Don't you think we'd be able to do anything? The possibilities would be endless! The power of Love is that strong. If the people of the world came together with joy, laughter, and love like we all did at the Kanjani∞ concert then we could achieve anything. We could change the world.

Subaru, you have so much power. You affect and inspire people. Kanjani∞ is a taste of what real love and community looks like. And it's a beautiful thing.

If only I could do that. If only I could be involved in something like that.

But what's my power? Where is my power? What can I do?

All I seem to do is feel strongly and long for things and that hasn't gotten me anywhere.

So 2013 will be my next attempt to get closer to that power I know is inside me.

2013 is the year I start to get my shit together.

I will be someone.
I will find love.
And I will make a difference.

I watch as you go up and up and I don't want to be left behind.

So, let's do this, Subaru.

Let's make 2013 a great year.

Thank you,

Aniella

すばるへ、

新年明けましておめでとうございます！

2013はどうの年になるのかな？

2012はほとんど期待はずれだった。いつも善意でやってるのに人生は苦労や不安ばっかりで難しくなってきた。もうダメだ何回も思った。年を取るにつれ人生が良くなるんじゃないの？年を取ると自分自身を見出す、成功を収める、恋愛も出来るはずじゃないの？私はもう28歳ですけど17歳の自分みたいに迷っています。

でも、諦めるつもりは絶対ない。
回復力しか持ってないな。

苦しい時でも意味あるから。苦しさは成長するのチャンスですから。
だけど、頑強な自分はすごい…　頭は本当に固くてまた落ち込んでくる。上手く行かないようにの時期にまた戻る。　

だから、2013年さん、どうやって行けばいいのかな？

無駄な時間はもうない。

人類は今重大な時期に生きています。世界は幸いで愛を溢れている人々が必要です。みんなのそれぞれの才能や才腕が必要です。

だから、私しか出来ないことを探しています。
自分の居場所がどこにあるか知りたくて、自分が存在する意味も見つけたい。
世界の役に立つことをしたい。

ひとかどの人物になりたいな！

１月１日のコンサートに行って、京セラドームの中でそんなに愛が溢れてたのは吹っ飛びました。沢山の人々の心が一つになれるとマジックは起こる。だから、想像して…　もしも世界の人々が愛で一つになればどこまでに行けるのか？何だって出来るの気がしない？不可能な事はもうなくなるでしょう。愛の力はあれ程強い。関ジャニ∞のライブに居る時みたいに世界の皆が愛を込めて明るくて笑顔で集まれば世界を変える！

すばる、あなたには凄いパワーがあるよ！多くの人々の心を動かすよ！
関ジャニ∞はそういうグループです。見習うべきグループです。

私もそういう存在になったら…

私の力って何だ？私のパワーは何処にあるか？私は何を出来るか？

今は憧れてて物事を強く感じることだけをしてる。このままでどこにも行かない。

だから、今年は私の中に必ずあるのパワーに近づいてみます。
いや、近づいてやる。

あなたがだんだん上がってきたのを見ました。
取り残されたくない。
追いかけるよ。
アニーも上がっていくよ。

よっし！やろうぜ、すばる！
2013は良い年になるように！

ありがとうね、

アニー

01

The first letter. Hassai~ Eito Matsuri. Osaka. 2012/08/10