07

Dear Subaru,

Do you ever feel knocked down?
Try and try again and nothing?

Plans canceled or forgotten. Emails unreturned. Invitations ignored. Projects in limbo.

Does it ever piss you off?

It's a fucking honor to know me. I have a lot to offer.
I'm passionate.
I'm engaged.
I try to be aware. I care about the world I live in.
I try.
To face my pain. To give back.
To love and to heal.

But sometimes it doesn't seem to matter.

I'm just like any other person, worthy and good, and I demand to be seen!

So I'm just going to do my thing.

Call it stubborn. Call it persistence. Call it whatever you want but I'm tired of lying down. If you don't want what I have then so be it. But I'm here. I have something to give. And that's no accident. Someday. Someday someone... the world...will want me. My very own unique combination of qualities and gifts and talents.

And until then I'll be here.
Nurturing.
Festering.
Blossoming.
Gestating.

Then I'll be in full bloom and you won't be able to miss me.

Expand.

Aniella

06

Dear Subaru,

How are you today?

My heart feels a little sad.

Sometimes I think the pain in my heart will always consume me.

It's funny almost. Because the older I get the more I understand that whatever hurt I've accumulated from the past doesn't have to define my life. That I can choose to be who I want to be. 

But the more I set my mind on healing the wounds in my heart the more stinging and present they become.

I suppose that's a necessary thing. We must pull back the bandage and uncover the wound first before we can begin to treat it.

Still, some days I feel like nothing will ever change. That I'll be sad and lonely and frustrated forever.

So I have to remind myself that opening your heart isn't always easy.

There's a reason it closed itself away in the first place.

And just like a hurt puppy, it can take a lot of coaxing to get it to trust enough to step out into the light.

What a closed heart needs is Love.Warmth. Patience. Reassurance.

So in those moments when I feel myself being swallowed by the darkness I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and tell myself, "I understand. It's okay. I love you." 

Because healing comes from compassion. And compassion starts within.

Then I look up into the sky, so free and expansive, and try to remember that I'm not alone. 

That I live in an amazing world full of infinite possibilities.

Our pain is a catalyst. It's shows us the purity and depths of our hearts. It deserves respect and honor. And most of all

Compassion.

Compassion.

For me.

For you.

For the world.

Compassion.

The Heart beats.

Aniella