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Dear Subaru,

Hi.

I just heard about the article in the tabloid and it looks like you have a girlfriend you're living with.
Good for you.

I'm not going to lie and pretend I don't feel sad or heartbroken at the news but I'm sensible enough to separate my emotions from my thinking and accept the situation for what it is.

You've had a big impact on my life. You've inspired me, motivated me, and at times, made my heart soar. There was a time when you really were my idol. I respected you so much, admired the person you were. Your words would move me.

So as a lonely woman, and a sensitive one at that, it's natural for me to have 'fallen' for you on some level. I know it's stupid. Silly. Infantile. You're a fantasy. Someone I've never met or had a real life human relationship with. It shouldn't break my heart to see you with a girlfriend...... but it does.

That doesn't mean I'm not happy for for you. It doesn't mean I hope you break up. My personal feelings aside, I wish you all the best. It's nice to see you have someone. That you get to have that experience, that companionship.

Because how can I think any other way when I know what I have with you is a fantasy? I'm perfectly aware that what I feel for you is based on my perception of you and the things you've made me feel, not on a real, tangible human connection, or even a real knowledge of who you truly are. Obviously I only know what you've shared through your work and the image you portray to the public, no more than that. But that doesn't make what I feel for you any less strong or sincere. It's not much different than having a crush on that popular guy in high school - the one that never really noticed you - and feeling disappointed and sad when he starts dating the cheerleader.

People will dismiss it and say oh please, 'You don't even know him! It's not real. Get over it! It's stupid.'
And it is.
But that doesn't make the feelings magically go away.
You have to mourn dreams and fantasies just like you would real experiences.
Because if your heart is involved, there's pain and loss. And if there's pain and loss there's grief. And grief needs to mourn.

Right now I'm going through a really hard time.
Really, it's been the last few years. I just can't seem to get out of it. There've been a few ups here and there, but overall I feel more lost, more disheartened, and more hopeless than ever. It just doesn't stop and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like all of my childhood dreams have shattered. My expectations of life and what it would be haven't been met. I came to Japan to find myself and to give myself a chance at being who I always wanted to be but I'm still basically in the same place I was 7 years ago. 10 years ago.  I'm not going to say there hasn't been growth because there has. But I left America scared to dream because I didn't believe in myself. I never have. I left hoping to find the confidence and self-love that would at least allow me to give myself permission to go after my hopes and dreams.

And I did find it for a time. It wasn't until I came here that I actually had the courage to go after my childhood dream of being an entertainer of some kind. Actually, you were the one that gave me the final push I needed to really go for it. And though I still struggle a lot with insecurity and I'm not good at networking or putting myself out there, I've tried the best I can.

But both with my career dreams and my personal ones of having a romantic relationship have amounted to nothing.

I have my job doing the shows for kids and occasionally I get a narration job. But after years of trying that's all I've done and I think it's probably all I can do.

And don't even get me started on my love life....

That's another area of my life in which I've never had confidence and never succeeded. I'm the girl who's dreamed of love and companionship but has never had a serious relationship and has only ever had sex twice in her adult life. Granted, most of the little experience I do have with men and romance happened in Japan, but I'm still here..... 7 years later....  single and inexperienced.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't feel I've managed to achieve the things I wanted to in my life and that doesn't make me very hopeful about the future. It's like I've come full circle. Except now it's harder to motivate myself to try or to change because my hopes and dreams have been dashed and my failed attempts are a constant reminder of what reality actually is.

I know people don't always get what they want. Achieving dreams is hard work and it's not reserved for everyone. That's fine. But I'm just tired. I had hopes and dreams and they failed. Now I have none.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself or with my life. I find myself staying in Japan and continuing what I'm doing because at least here I have a job and I can live well. But the things I hoped for for my life..... I know now that there's a good chance I'll never get those things. Which is fine. The not getting what you want part is okay. It's the complete lack of motivation or enthusiasm for life because you've been totally defeated that I'm having a hard time dealing with. If I had hope it would be okay. There'd be something to live for. But I don't have much hope. I see time passing and nothing changing. I see myself doing the best I can but getting nowhere. And maybe that just means my best isn't good enough. I can recognize that. I'm not blaming the world. I know my life is my responsibility and if it hasn't turned out the way I hoped it would there's no one to blame but me. I know that. And that's another thing that's so discouraging. If my best isn't good enough then well.... it is what it is. I've tried really hard to change, to get over my hangups, to be the person I wish I was. But at the end of the day I'm me. And because I'm me my life is how it is and I have to accept that.

So yeah.....  There's nowhere to turn. I'm just stuck being miserable and I hate it.
And I'm jealous of that girl you're with. And I'm jealous that you get to have someone. And I'm pissed that I'm so pathetic I've wasted years pining and dreaming about some celebrity I don't even know. And I'm worried I'll be alone forever.

I feel guilty too. I'm pretty healthy. I have a roof over my head. And yet I'm unhappy. There are so many people out there who wish they were in my position and I'm wasting it. I wish I could just give up my place for one of those people. Let me disappear and let someone who can actually make something of their life have my place. As it is now I'm just wasting space. Life feels like a chore.

And I'm horrible for feeling this way.

I'm glad you found a way out.

I used to think we were on a similar journey and that if you found success and happiness and overcame certain things that I would be able to too.

But that was a childish notion. I'm full of those. And now they've all been proven wrong and I'm left feeling like an idiot  and with a bleak view of the world....

I don't have anything else to say.

If you love her and she makes you happy I hope you guys have kids. Pass on those genes of yours. That beautiful smile.

Congratulations on the relationship.

Take care,

Aniella