すばるへ

Dear Subaru,

You will never read this. And even if the world turned upside down and you did you wouldn't understand because I'm not going to translate this into Japanese. That's why I can write this here where no one and especially you will ever care enough to look.

I don't understand the point of my life. Sometimes - a lot lately - I wish I'd never been born.

Most of the time I don't write what I'm feeling unless it's something positive or I can find a way to put a positive twist on whatever it is, because I want to be an inspiration. Not a drag. Not a vampire that sucks all the good out of people. But you know what? Every time I write something nice or encouraging deep down I'm scared it will come back and bite me in the ass. And it does. Every time. Because for every good thought  in my head there are a hundred more negative ones. I'm a hypocrite. I preach about being grateful and moving forward and trying to shine but most of the time I'm incapable of those things.

I'm the person that's angry, hurt, hopeless, and has nothing to give. Who more often than not feels invisible and worthless. I want so badly to be someone. For my life to have meaning. But I'm just nothing.

I've tried hard to get out of this hole but it must be where I belong because I'm always back here.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to work through my issues and love myself. I'm tired of trying to get the audition or the job. I'm tired of being alone, untouched. I'm tired of feeling sad for my family. I'm tired of feeling guilty for feeling the way I do. I'm tired of loving someone I'll never know. I'm tired of longing. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of feeling invisible. I'm tired of things not working out. I'm tired of knowing I'm wasting my life because even so I'm blessed with clothes on my back and a roof over my head. I'm tired of being ignored. And most of all I'm tired of trying so hard to be a better person and to make something of my life and failing.

A friend told me that happy endings and happiness are all different for everyone because we are all different and so one person's image of an amazing life differs from another's. I agree. So I thought about what my version would look like. Am I sad because I'm looking at other people's versions and thinking that should be mine?

When I look at what I want from life I see two things: love and purpose.  Maybe that's vague so let me explain. I'm sure it's what everyone wants, but here's what it looks like for me....

I want to be with someone heart and soul. I want to share myself with someone in the deepest way possible, to entangle our bodies, our hearts, our souls, and understand each other. I want to give myself completely and I want the same in return, I want someone by my side as we navigate life and grow spiritually together, always supporting each other, challenging each other, and always accepting and honoring where the other person is at. I want a true soul companion on my journey. I want to be part of a partnership that inspires others with its purity of heart. And perhaps silliest of all, I really just want to be in love. Properly. To like someone so much and know they feel the same way about me too. To hold and be held. For my eyes to flutter shut as he kisses me and it tastes so sweet...  I'm not particular about whether or not there's a marriage license involved. And while I would love to share the experience of parenthood with that person, it's not a deal breaker. I'm getting older and by the time I find someone if I ever do it's very likely that I will no longer be able to have a baby.

As far as purpose goes... I want to feel like I'm part of humanity's evolution. Like I'm doing something that affects the world in a positive way. I want to be seen, and to shine. To really come into my own so that I can do good for the world. I want to be a leader, an example. I want to have a show on TV or the internet that pioneers and supports new ways of thinking and living, that can pave the way for a better world by presenting role models. I want to talk to people about what we can do to heal ourselves and the planet. I want to steer the media and entertainment industry away from being empty propaganda and mindless distraction. I want, instead, for it to be a source of hope and empowerment, and an example of all that we CAN do as human beings. Of all the good, love, and healing we're capable of.

So do you see how I'm a hypocrite?

This is coming from a person who has never had more than a few dates and who is just as damaged, if not more so, than your average person. I may be drawn to all these lovely groundbreaking ideas but I'm no example. I'm still trying to hold my own in the conventional world, nowhere near ready to level up and be part of the new,evolutionary way of living.

Maybe the problem is that I always thought I was somehow special. That that kind of love was out there for me and that I would make a difference. That I had a special gift and light to shine on the world and that if I just healed the wounds of my childhood I'd be able to pull those things out of myself and create a beautiful, amazing life full of love and meaning, that would maybe even touch hearts around the world. I'd leave a mark. I'd do my part. I'd grow and evolve spiritually. And I would die having made the most of my existence.

But nothing is going according to plan. Whatever journey of self-discovery and healing I've been on only keeps getting more painful as I discover time and time again that the world does not want what I have to give (To the point that I don't even know what it is I have to offer anymore.) There only seems to be rejection at every turn. Perhaps because what I have, what I am,  is nothing special. Because I'm not beautiful or particularly talented and all these passionate feelings about healing and changing the world for good are just that... feelings.  I don't know how to do any of those things. I'm just like the majority of the population on this planet who has no fucking clue except for the fact, perhaps, that I think about this stuff more often than others might.

I used to scoff at the emptiness I perceived in the typical suburban life and say that I never wanted to just stay in one place and get married, have kids, and have some random job just so I could have more material things. But I wonder now if part of me wasn't just jealous of that simplicity. And if part of me resented it because it didn't feel like an option open to me. After all, if I couldn't get a boyfriend how was I ever going to get married and have kids?

Even now I wonder if there's not an aspect of that still at play. Maybe I'm trying so hard to find some kind of purpose or meaning to my life because I could never get it in the typical way women are taught we're "valuable." That is, by being a wife and mother. If I can't be a wife and mother then I have to find some other purpose, something bigger. Why should my value be determined by my usefulness to men or to society? No, I'll go beyond it. I'll be valuable to the world, to humanity... Something like that....

I'm sorry I am how I am. I'm sorry I'm selfish and ungrateful. I know despite the struggles that I've been blessed. I've always had everything I need to live and the privilege of a good education, the chance to travel and enjoy entertainment. But I feel empty. I feel invisible. I feel like my place on earth would be better allotted to someone else. Like, I'm wasting it all.

It used to be a matter of self-loathing. Then I got angry at the world for making me feel forsaken. And now I don't know how to feel. I realize the whole 'you create your reality' thing comes to play here but if this is all my creation then I feel nothing but defeat. Because it's not like I haven't spent the last five years trying to address and fix my insides in hopes of  "creating" a better life. The thought of trying again. And again. And yet again is mendokkusai.

So... I'm going to gather all the energy I can barely muster and try to be hopeful, positive, and do my best to put myself out there in order to..... what, exactly? Get more rejection emails from agencies on a daily basis? Have my roommate get mad at me for practically everything, for basically existing? Have people say they want to work with me and then not follow through? Watch my family fall apart? Be overlooked by every man on the planet?

I feel like I've tried and the Gods have spoken. The answer is NO.

So what's left for me to do, huh? I don't even know what I believe in anymore. Even the whole 'everyone is special in some way and has a special gift to give the world'  idea is questionable right now.

And maybe the worst part is that I know by now that no one is coming to make it better. There are no knights in shining armor, no interventions, and hell, not even hugs. I am alone like I've always been. And I can't go home because there's only more suffering there.

And I'm so greedy that even at the Eito concert I was sad because I wanted you to look at me and you didn't. God, give me that at least! It's not like you'll ever know me but at least let me have one moment....

But who says I deserve that look more than any other girl in that dome. I don't. Who cares what I'm going through. And who knows what every other girl is going through.

I'm glad you're happy. It must be great to be seen and adored and supported and to know that you inspire and bring a smile to thousands of people.

I would love to be even a fraction of what you are.

But it doesn't look like I'll ever get it right.

I don't understand why, but dreams don't come true for everyone.

You're one of the lucky ones and I'm not. I always felt we were the same. We're both just people and your heart has suffered a lot too. I thought maybe I had charisma too and that I could have some kind of impact on others. But I guess we only ever see what we want to. Because you and I are completely different. You're on another level.
You're shining and I feel mostly dead inside.
This is why we'll never meet.
I'd probably just bring you down.
And that's not right.

Stay bright, Subaru.

I can fade away and no one will notice or care, but that's not the case for you.

Aniella