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Dear Subaru,

I'm writing you here because I have no one else to turn to.

I was just listening to your new song with Maru and it made me smile.
You've really broken through haven't you?
You found a reason to live and be happy. You don't feel alone anymore.
That's great.
It's a beautiful thing to see that you got there. That you're happy now.
I'm proud of you. You're an amazing and inspiring man.
I know you still have your dark moments, your sleepless nights, but it sounds like you have found something bigger to hold on to that will pull you through. And it sounds to me (from my assumptions based on your lyrics) that that anchor is the people around you - true friends, the other members, maybe even your girlfriend....I can't know for sure who you are referring to. But you refer to a 'you' to someone or someones who you want to be here for.  "You're not alone" you sing.

That's a big thing isn't?
Having a group of people around you who support and love you.
Who you can share experiences with. Who you can journey through life with and grow.
You know, us humans weren't meant to be alone. No man is an island as they say.
And isolation and loneliness are some of the most painful things one can go through.

I wish I could feel like I wasn't alone.

I just turned 30 and I realized I have nowhere to turn and no one to turn to.
Having reached an age where all I want is to settle down somewhere with hopefully a family someday and to be part of a community it's ironic that I feel more isolated and lost than ever.

I don't know what's going to happen to me.

My jobs here in Japan are enjoyable and my life is comfortable, but I don't want to stay here forever. Not with the way things are now. I'm alone here. I have co-workers that are great and very kind to me. I have a handful of friends who I see every few months and catch up with. And that's it. The close friendships I had have dissolved. There is no one who knows me inside and out (and still wants to be around) who I can turn to for support when I'm crying my eyes out. No one who is involved in my life on a regular basis, who I can share the every day little things with. I have no family here. No significant other. No close tight knit group of friends I'm part of.

I don't even have the online communities anymore. Or even fandom. I don't even feel all that close to you anymore,  Subaru, and I don't follow Kanjani8 the way I used to. Maybe I've outgrown that part of my life, and maybe it's because you guys have gotten so famous it doesn't feel the same anymore....you're unreachable now. Either way, whatever connection I used to feel to you and the group isn't so strong so there's no solace in it. And God.... well....I believe he's around here with me somewhere but I keep asking for comfort and clarity and I can't seem to find it. So either he's not sending those things or I'm crap at getting the message. Either way, communication is not going through.

Perhaps if I could become super successful and get a lot of voice work and felt like there was a lot more I could do here workwise it would be enough reason for me to stay, but as it is I'm alone AND I don't really see a future in the work that I do.

So of course the logical thing would be to leave and go back to the States except that I don't know what I'd do there. Moving back means starting my life over again from scratch. Which I'm willing to do, but it's a lot of work and a big life change that I don't want to take on unless there's a clear purpose for doing so. At the moment I don't have any dreams; any ambitions or desires. What kind of job would I apply for? Do I want to go back to school? WHERE in the States would I go? I have no idea!

I'm in my 30s. The kind of work I do in Japan doesn't really exist in the States or I'm not qualified to do it there, so moving back is not something I want to just jump into. Especially because I have nowhere to go. If I had somewhere to stay for a few months while I figured it out then I'd be more open to just leaving everything behind and moving back without any kind of plan or inkling as to what I'd like to at least attempt to pursue in going back. But at this point I'm stuck. I don't feel comfortable going to my parents house because it's never been a healthy environment for me. Despite the progress I feel I've made and the things I've learned I'm scared that being put in that environment again will do more harm than good. Especially in a situation like this where I'm totally lost and trying to figure out what to do with myself and my life I'll be insecure, emotionally vulnerable, and thus even more suceptible to the criticism and the negative energy and power struggles that go on at home. I won't have money, a license, a plan...  So I can already hear the comments and digs about my lack of preparation and direction, my overall failure as a person for being my age and back with my parents with no idea what to do with myself....

Maybe I'm being too negative. I'd like to think I've earned some respect from my step-dad by now. But I don't know that I want to risk it. I always get anxious and depressed if I'm home too long.

I used to think about going to one of my aunts' houses but after what happened last year and the riff that has formed  between my family and the rest of them I wouldn't feel comfortable. And my Dad isn't in a stable situation himself so I don't feel I can go there either.

If I move back I'll have to go back on my own. And if I'm going to do that I want to have at least something to go on. Motivation or some kind of goal, something I can focus on that will give me some kind of direction. I'm not just going to land, set my suitcase down and go, "Here I am. Now what?"

So I feel stuck and lost and more alone than I ever have in my life. At 30, when I feel like shit should be starting to come together, it's actually unravelling even further.

I don't know what to do.

So for now I'm just staying in Japan, doing what I know I can do, getting the enjoyment I can from the things I do here, and praying every day for a inspiration or a sign or anything that will point me in some kind of direction.

The problem is I feel so defeated I don't know what I'd want to pursue next because I feel like 1) I don't know how to go about trying to do the things I'm interested in 2) I don't have a lot of confidence in dreams or hopes. The things I've wanted most in life haven't worked out for me so I don't really know how to go about 'creating the life I want' or however it is all those self-help gurus put it.

And as far as the being alone part goes, I've had so little luck with men and I've lost so many friends over the years, that I feel defeated there too. I think I may have even lost the ability to connect with people. I mean, people don't care about what's going on with you and small talk bores me. But you can't just have deep conversations with people from the get go. And even once you get to know someone a bit at this stage in life people have their own shit going on. No one wants to really be there for you aside from a few nice, 'hang in there' comments. If you're depressed and feeling hopeless you can't talk about it because that turns people off, but you can't just ignore it either. It's exhausting trying to hang out with people who are doing okay and are pretty happy with their lives when you feel like shit. Besides, people always leave. I always lose friends. Maybe it's just become to much effort to try to build a relationship when I know the chances of them A) Getting tired of me/of supporting or being there for me (I'm an emotional person with quite a few issues and it sucks for me because people don't like getting involved with someone like that and when they realize what they've gotten themselves into they peace out - which, by the way, pisses me off because I've sat and listened to people vent to me about the emotional shit they're dealing with with their friends or partners so people do get involved with each other just that no one wants to get involved with me. as if i were so much worse than your average person. i don't think i am....jeez ) B) Leaving or drifting apart because that's just the way life is and shit happens. Shit happens and at the end of the day I always seem to be the one who ends up alone.

Oh well, I guess right?

I don't know. Maybe it's not that bad and I'm just feeling depressed lately so everything seems worse than it is.

But Gwen and I had a fight and our friendship is pretty much over, or at least I feel like she's not someone I can count on as a close friend or confidant anymore. If there's shit going on with me she doesn't want to know about it and of course it's partially my fault that our relationship has deteriorated the way it has, but the outcome is still the same. She doesn't want to talk to me about things and I can't talk to her about things, and we aren't roommates anymore so she doesn't have to know about my life and now there is no one that I talk to on a daily basis who is actively involved in my life.

She was the last person I had that I considered not just a close friend, but a companion. She was like a sister. I trusted her with everything; showed her the good and the bad. And I thought we were close but she wasn't happy and we'd fight a lot and now I've realized there's nothing I can do to fix things if that's how she feels so I've let go of the notion that she's my best friend and from the looks of it we'll talk every once in a while and probably go to concerts together and that'll be that.

I've lost the one person I counted on. The one person who made me feel like I wasn't totally alone in this country so faraway from everything I've ever known.

I've never had a hometown. I moved around a lot so my group of friends always changed. I used to count on family, my aunts and grandparents, but after what happened the family has been torn apart and that safety net is no longer there. My mom and step-dad are always there but that home has never been a healthy environment, not one where I can always feel safe and nurtured and supported.

And that's all I really want, Subaru.
I don't care about money, power, fame, or even success....
Not if I can have people I can love that love me who feel like family. Who accept me for who I am, good and bad, and are deeply invested in me and my growth and what happens to me because they love me. I want a companion. Partners in crime. I just want to feel that I don't have to go through it alone. If I have that I don't need anything else. Everything else would just be a bonus.
Because there's no point to anything if I have to go through it alone.
I think you of all people understand that.
So tell me, is it that much to ask for? Am I selfish? Greedy? Undeserving?

I want to plant roots. I want a home. I want a family. People or a place where I can find love, support, understanding, acceptance. Something I can count on. Something to live for.

I'm terrified that I'll turn 40 and be exactly where I am now.

If that happens I think I'll kill myself.
I can't go on like this.
I can deal with all the shit life throws at me if I don't have to do it alone all the time. If there's someone around to give me a hug sometimes. But as long as there isn't I just can't do this for long. I'm losing the will. It's eating me up inside.
That's the worst part.
If I'm going to die inside then I might as well just go ahead and die the proper way.

I'm sorry this is so negative, but that's a perk of being all alone. No one will read this. You never will. And you wouldn't understand it anyway.

I wish somebody would though.
I wish somebody would care.

I wish I could find my reason -my people worth living for. Like you have.

But when has wishing ever done me any good?

I'll go now.

Thanks for listening.

Ani

P.S. What I really need to get is a dog...