13

Dear Subaru,

I'm writing you here because I have no one else to turn to.

I was just listening to your new song with Maru and it made me smile.
You've really broken through haven't you?
You found a reason to live and be happy. You don't feel alone anymore.
That's great.
It's a beautiful thing to see that you got there. That you're happy now.
I'm proud of you. You're an amazing and inspiring man.
I know you still have your dark moments, your sleepless nights, but it sounds like you have found something bigger to hold on to that will pull you through. And it sounds to me (from my assumptions based on your lyrics) that that anchor is the people around you - true friends, the other members, maybe even your girlfriend....I can't know for sure who you are referring to. But you refer to a 'you' to someone or someones who you want to be here for.  "You're not alone" you sing.

That's a big thing isn't?
Having a group of people around you who support and love you.
Who you can share experiences with. Who you can journey through life with and grow.
You know, us humans weren't meant to be alone. No man is an island as they say.
And isolation and loneliness are some of the most painful things one can go through.

I wish I could feel like I wasn't alone.

I just turned 30 and I realized I have nowhere to turn and no one to turn to.
Having reached an age where all I want is to settle down somewhere with hopefully a family someday and to be part of a community it's ironic that I feel more isolated and lost than ever.

I don't know what's going to happen to me.

My jobs here in Japan are enjoyable and my life is comfortable, but I don't want to stay here forever. Not with the way things are now. I'm alone here. I have co-workers that are great and very kind to me. I have a handful of friends who I see every few months and catch up with. And that's it. The close friendships I had have dissolved. There is no one who knows me inside and out (and still wants to be around) who I can turn to for support when I'm crying my eyes out. No one who is involved in my life on a regular basis, who I can share the every day little things with. I have no family here. No significant other. No close tight knit group of friends I'm part of.

I don't even have the online communities anymore. Or even fandom. I don't even feel all that close to you anymore,  Subaru, and I don't follow Kanjani8 the way I used to. Maybe I've outgrown that part of my life, and maybe it's because you guys have gotten so famous it doesn't feel the same anymore....you're unreachable now. Either way, whatever connection I used to feel to you and the group isn't so strong so there's no solace in it. And God.... well....I believe he's around here with me somewhere but I keep asking for comfort and clarity and I can't seem to find it. So either he's not sending those things or I'm crap at getting the message. Either way, communication is not going through.

Perhaps if I could become super successful and get a lot of voice work and felt like there was a lot more I could do here workwise it would be enough reason for me to stay, but as it is I'm alone AND I don't really see a future in the work that I do.

So of course the logical thing would be to leave and go back to the States except that I don't know what I'd do there. Moving back means starting my life over again from scratch. Which I'm willing to do, but it's a lot of work and a big life change that I don't want to take on unless there's a clear purpose for doing so. At the moment I don't have any dreams; any ambitions or desires. What kind of job would I apply for? Do I want to go back to school? WHERE in the States would I go? I have no idea!

I'm in my 30s. The kind of work I do in Japan doesn't really exist in the States or I'm not qualified to do it there, so moving back is not something I want to just jump into. Especially because I have nowhere to go. If I had somewhere to stay for a few months while I figured it out then I'd be more open to just leaving everything behind and moving back without any kind of plan or inkling as to what I'd like to at least attempt to pursue in going back. But at this point I'm stuck. I don't feel comfortable going to my parents house because it's never been a healthy environment for me. Despite the progress I feel I've made and the things I've learned I'm scared that being put in that environment again will do more harm than good. Especially in a situation like this where I'm totally lost and trying to figure out what to do with myself and my life I'll be insecure, emotionally vulnerable, and thus even more suceptible to the criticism and the negative energy and power struggles that go on at home. I won't have money, a license, a plan...  So I can already hear the comments and digs about my lack of preparation and direction, my overall failure as a person for being my age and back with my parents with no idea what to do with myself....

Maybe I'm being too negative. I'd like to think I've earned some respect from my step-dad by now. But I don't know that I want to risk it. I always get anxious and depressed if I'm home too long.

I used to think about going to one of my aunts' houses but after what happened last year and the riff that has formed  between my family and the rest of them I wouldn't feel comfortable. And my Dad isn't in a stable situation himself so I don't feel I can go there either.

If I move back I'll have to go back on my own. And if I'm going to do that I want to have at least something to go on. Motivation or some kind of goal, something I can focus on that will give me some kind of direction. I'm not just going to land, set my suitcase down and go, "Here I am. Now what?"

So I feel stuck and lost and more alone than I ever have in my life. At 30, when I feel like shit should be starting to come together, it's actually unravelling even further.

I don't know what to do.

So for now I'm just staying in Japan, doing what I know I can do, getting the enjoyment I can from the things I do here, and praying every day for a inspiration or a sign or anything that will point me in some kind of direction.

The problem is I feel so defeated I don't know what I'd want to pursue next because I feel like 1) I don't know how to go about trying to do the things I'm interested in 2) I don't have a lot of confidence in dreams or hopes. The things I've wanted most in life haven't worked out for me so I don't really know how to go about 'creating the life I want' or however it is all those self-help gurus put it.

And as far as the being alone part goes, I've had so little luck with men and I've lost so many friends over the years, that I feel defeated there too. I think I may have even lost the ability to connect with people. I mean, people don't care about what's going on with you and small talk bores me. But you can't just have deep conversations with people from the get go. And even once you get to know someone a bit at this stage in life people have their own shit going on. No one wants to really be there for you aside from a few nice, 'hang in there' comments. If you're depressed and feeling hopeless you can't talk about it because that turns people off, but you can't just ignore it either. It's exhausting trying to hang out with people who are doing okay and are pretty happy with their lives when you feel like shit. Besides, people always leave. I always lose friends. Maybe it's just become to much effort to try to build a relationship when I know the chances of them A) Getting tired of me/of supporting or being there for me (I'm an emotional person with quite a few issues and it sucks for me because people don't like getting involved with someone like that and when they realize what they've gotten themselves into they peace out - which, by the way, pisses me off because I've sat and listened to people vent to me about the emotional shit they're dealing with with their friends or partners so people do get involved with each other just that no one wants to get involved with me. as if i were so much worse than your average person. i don't think i am....jeez ) B) Leaving or drifting apart because that's just the way life is and shit happens. Shit happens and at the end of the day I always seem to be the one who ends up alone.

Oh well, I guess right?

I don't know. Maybe it's not that bad and I'm just feeling depressed lately so everything seems worse than it is.

But Gwen and I had a fight and our friendship is pretty much over, or at least I feel like she's not someone I can count on as a close friend or confidant anymore. If there's shit going on with me she doesn't want to know about it and of course it's partially my fault that our relationship has deteriorated the way it has, but the outcome is still the same. She doesn't want to talk to me about things and I can't talk to her about things, and we aren't roommates anymore so she doesn't have to know about my life and now there is no one that I talk to on a daily basis who is actively involved in my life.

She was the last person I had that I considered not just a close friend, but a companion. She was like a sister. I trusted her with everything; showed her the good and the bad. And I thought we were close but she wasn't happy and we'd fight a lot and now I've realized there's nothing I can do to fix things if that's how she feels so I've let go of the notion that she's my best friend and from the looks of it we'll talk every once in a while and probably go to concerts together and that'll be that.

I've lost the one person I counted on. The one person who made me feel like I wasn't totally alone in this country so faraway from everything I've ever known.

I've never had a hometown. I moved around a lot so my group of friends always changed. I used to count on family, my aunts and grandparents, but after what happened the family has been torn apart and that safety net is no longer there. My mom and step-dad are always there but that home has never been a healthy environment, not one where I can always feel safe and nurtured and supported.

And that's all I really want, Subaru.
I don't care about money, power, fame, or even success....
Not if I can have people I can love that love me who feel like family. Who accept me for who I am, good and bad, and are deeply invested in me and my growth and what happens to me because they love me. I want a companion. Partners in crime. I just want to feel that I don't have to go through it alone. If I have that I don't need anything else. Everything else would just be a bonus.
Because there's no point to anything if I have to go through it alone.
I think you of all people understand that.
So tell me, is it that much to ask for? Am I selfish? Greedy? Undeserving?

I want to plant roots. I want a home. I want a family. People or a place where I can find love, support, understanding, acceptance. Something I can count on. Something to live for.

I'm terrified that I'll turn 40 and be exactly where I am now.

If that happens I think I'll kill myself.
I can't go on like this.
I can deal with all the shit life throws at me if I don't have to do it alone all the time. If there's someone around to give me a hug sometimes. But as long as there isn't I just can't do this for long. I'm losing the will. It's eating me up inside.
That's the worst part.
If I'm going to die inside then I might as well just go ahead and die the proper way.

I'm sorry this is so negative, but that's a perk of being all alone. No one will read this. You never will. And you wouldn't understand it anyway.

I wish somebody would though.
I wish somebody would care.

I wish I could find my reason -my people worth living for. Like you have.

But when has wishing ever done me any good?

I'll go now.

Thanks for listening.

Ani

P.S. What I really need to get is a dog...

12

Dear Subaru,

Hi.

I just heard about the article in the tabloid and it looks like you have a girlfriend you're living with.
Good for you.

I'm not going to lie and pretend I don't feel sad or heartbroken at the news but I'm sensible enough to separate my emotions from my thinking and accept the situation for what it is.

You've had a big impact on my life. You've inspired me, motivated me, and at times, made my heart soar. There was a time when you really were my idol. I respected you so much, admired the person you were. Your words would move me.

So as a lonely woman, and a sensitive one at that, it's natural for me to have 'fallen' for you on some level. I know it's stupid. Silly. Infantile. You're a fantasy. Someone I've never met or had a real life human relationship with. It shouldn't break my heart to see you with a girlfriend...... but it does.

That doesn't mean I'm not happy for for you. It doesn't mean I hope you break up. My personal feelings aside, I wish you all the best. It's nice to see you have someone. That you get to have that experience, that companionship.

Because how can I think any other way when I know what I have with you is a fantasy? I'm perfectly aware that what I feel for you is based on my perception of you and the things you've made me feel, not on a real, tangible human connection, or even a real knowledge of who you truly are. Obviously I only know what you've shared through your work and the image you portray to the public, no more than that. But that doesn't make what I feel for you any less strong or sincere. It's not much different than having a crush on that popular guy in high school - the one that never really noticed you - and feeling disappointed and sad when he starts dating the cheerleader.

People will dismiss it and say oh please, 'You don't even know him! It's not real. Get over it! It's stupid.'
And it is.
But that doesn't make the feelings magically go away.
You have to mourn dreams and fantasies just like you would real experiences.
Because if your heart is involved, there's pain and loss. And if there's pain and loss there's grief. And grief needs to mourn.

Right now I'm going through a really hard time.
Really, it's been the last few years. I just can't seem to get out of it. There've been a few ups here and there, but overall I feel more lost, more disheartened, and more hopeless than ever. It just doesn't stop and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like all of my childhood dreams have shattered. My expectations of life and what it would be haven't been met. I came to Japan to find myself and to give myself a chance at being who I always wanted to be but I'm still basically in the same place I was 7 years ago. 10 years ago.  I'm not going to say there hasn't been growth because there has. But I left America scared to dream because I didn't believe in myself. I never have. I left hoping to find the confidence and self-love that would at least allow me to give myself permission to go after my hopes and dreams.

And I did find it for a time. It wasn't until I came here that I actually had the courage to go after my childhood dream of being an entertainer of some kind. Actually, you were the one that gave me the final push I needed to really go for it. And though I still struggle a lot with insecurity and I'm not good at networking or putting myself out there, I've tried the best I can.

But both with my career dreams and my personal ones of having a romantic relationship have amounted to nothing.

I have my job doing the shows for kids and occasionally I get a narration job. But after years of trying that's all I've done and I think it's probably all I can do.

And don't even get me started on my love life....

That's another area of my life in which I've never had confidence and never succeeded. I'm the girl who's dreamed of love and companionship but has never had a serious relationship and has only ever had sex twice in her adult life. Granted, most of the little experience I do have with men and romance happened in Japan, but I'm still here..... 7 years later....  single and inexperienced.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't feel I've managed to achieve the things I wanted to in my life and that doesn't make me very hopeful about the future. It's like I've come full circle. Except now it's harder to motivate myself to try or to change because my hopes and dreams have been dashed and my failed attempts are a constant reminder of what reality actually is.

I know people don't always get what they want. Achieving dreams is hard work and it's not reserved for everyone. That's fine. But I'm just tired. I had hopes and dreams and they failed. Now I have none.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself or with my life. I find myself staying in Japan and continuing what I'm doing because at least here I have a job and I can live well. But the things I hoped for for my life..... I know now that there's a good chance I'll never get those things. Which is fine. The not getting what you want part is okay. It's the complete lack of motivation or enthusiasm for life because you've been totally defeated that I'm having a hard time dealing with. If I had hope it would be okay. There'd be something to live for. But I don't have much hope. I see time passing and nothing changing. I see myself doing the best I can but getting nowhere. And maybe that just means my best isn't good enough. I can recognize that. I'm not blaming the world. I know my life is my responsibility and if it hasn't turned out the way I hoped it would there's no one to blame but me. I know that. And that's another thing that's so discouraging. If my best isn't good enough then well.... it is what it is. I've tried really hard to change, to get over my hangups, to be the person I wish I was. But at the end of the day I'm me. And because I'm me my life is how it is and I have to accept that.

So yeah.....  There's nowhere to turn. I'm just stuck being miserable and I hate it.
And I'm jealous of that girl you're with. And I'm jealous that you get to have someone. And I'm pissed that I'm so pathetic I've wasted years pining and dreaming about some celebrity I don't even know. And I'm worried I'll be alone forever.

I feel guilty too. I'm pretty healthy. I have a roof over my head. And yet I'm unhappy. There are so many people out there who wish they were in my position and I'm wasting it. I wish I could just give up my place for one of those people. Let me disappear and let someone who can actually make something of their life have my place. As it is now I'm just wasting space. Life feels like a chore.

And I'm horrible for feeling this way.

I'm glad you found a way out.

I used to think we were on a similar journey and that if you found success and happiness and overcame certain things that I would be able to too.

But that was a childish notion. I'm full of those. And now they've all been proven wrong and I'm left feeling like an idiot  and with a bleak view of the world....

I don't have anything else to say.

If you love her and she makes you happy I hope you guys have kids. Pass on those genes of yours. That beautiful smile.

Congratulations on the relationship.

Take care,

Aniella

11

Dear Subaru,

How are you today?

Otsukare for Juusai in Tokyo!

I went on Sunday.
It was a pretty magical night, wasn't it?
There's always that feeling that we're sharing something special with you guys but I felt it even more this time for some reason. Maybe it was the rain. It's kind of romantic, isn't it?
The idea that nothing will stop us from having that night together; not rain or anything else.
And that though we may live in different worlds at the end of the day we're under the same sky, affected by the same rain...we're all just people. Status and fame and all of that just falls away. You guys up on stage, and all of us in the audience, we're just human beings opening our hearts and genuinely connecting with each other for a few magical hours on a rainy summer night.

I was reminded at the concert why I always keep coming back to you guys. It's the connection. That feeling that I'm not going at this alone.

I feel really alone lately.
I always want to cry.
I'll be moving by myself soon and all I can think of is how I won't have anyone to talk to at home anymore. There won't be anyone who really knows what's going on with me, who's fully involved in my personal life. I could just not come back one weekend from work and no one will be there to notice.

There will be good things about living alone too. I know that. But all my close friendships, the deep ones, have basically disolved. And though it's no one's fault, and as far as my roommate goes it's healthier for both of us, I still feel sad. I'm not losing friends, but I'm losing an intimacy and level of involvement that made me feel happy and comforted. I like having a best friend. Someone you can call up on your way home and just talk about your day with. Someone that knows the good and the bad. That you send random messages to throughout the day. Someone that knows what's going on in your life.

I only had that with a couple of people here in Tokyo. One moved away and the other is just doesn't want to be that close to me. We clash a lot and it just doesn't work.

In some ways I feel like I've failed my friends. Like, if I were a better person and friend they would be happier with me and would remain close. I know things change, that people grow apart, that it's not necessarily personal, but it's still sad.
And most of all I just feel scared.
Because I don't know when or that I will connect with people on that same level again.
It feels like I can't connect with people like I used to.
I mean, I've always been the type to have a few really close friends, rather than a lot of acquaintances, but now I won't even really have the close friends, just acquaintances or friends I see every once in a while and that makes me feel more alone than ever.
I don't even feel I can really talk to my family about how I really feel because they have their own, other, more important problems to deal with and I don't want to bring anyone down.

Honestly, sometimes I hate that I'm the kind of person that has to go deep and wants to have intimacy with people. It is not easy being that kind of person. Because most of the time people don't want that. And at my age the only real intimacy and companionship you can get is from a romantic relationship. Because even as good friends people have jobs and lives and they can't really be deeply involved with your life. It's not like school when you used to see someone every day and were in the same environment and sharing the same experiences.

So if you don't have a significant other or family nearby you're basically screwed. Maybe if my schedule were better I'd have more time to see my friends and I wouldn't feel quite so isolated, but I don't think it's just that.
I think part of it is that I feel so completely disconnected from relationships of any kind. I feel like all my close friendships have failed or fallen apart so I don't have confidence in my ability to form close friendships or in friendships in general. And I've noticed it's hard for me to open up and relate to my peers (the ones I meet at work).  In the romantic sense my experience is so limited that the idea of boyfriends and sex might as well not even exist in my world. That's how alienated I feel from romance and sex. I can't remember the last time I was attracted to someone other than you, or some other famous person or model in a magazine or video. I guess sometimes I see guys I think are cute on the street, but again, it's almost in an objective way. Like, I can appreciate that someone is good looking but flirting and dating or even liking someone seems so distant from my reality that I don't feel anything but aesthetic appreciation.

Today after work we went for an otsukare drink and it struck me again just how weird I feel when I hang out with people. I feel like I'm just different. Because of course the subject always goes back to boyfriends and sex and relationships and that's not something I really have much experience with. And I realized today that what makes me feel bad isn't that, 'oh i'm a loser because I've never had a boyfriend', not really. What gets to me is that I'm at the age I'm at and there's the chance now that it'll never happen for me. Not because there's anything wrong with me, but because it's this late in the game and I have so little experience that I don't even know what I really want in a relationship, or how to go about having one (or sex for that matter) if I were to find someone. Most people around me are married or in serious relationships and I'm like a baby in diapers when it comes to all of this. I'm so behind that I don't know if I'll ever catch up and it scares me because I think that hurts my chances a lot.

I don't want to be alone forever, Subaru.
I wonder how you feel about this.
I know you've had girlfriends before. I don't know for how long or how serious, or if you even want a long term partner or not. But how do you manage to not feel suffocated by loneliness? Is it your relationship with the members and your close friends? Taeko? Or do you feel like I do sometimes?

I'm actually really worried. I feel like I've lost my mojo again.
I'm just not feeling it in any sense. Life, friends, boys, work.....
Everything just feels heavy.
And maybe it's simply my reaction to the changes that are coming, and the stress of not knowing where I'll be in a month's time (literally since I haven't found an apartment yet) and I'll feel more positive once this is all over.

God, I hope so.
Because I hate this.

I hate feeling like I might as well disappear.

Thanks for listening.
I'm hoping you're in a better place than me right now.
This is a good year for you, isn't it? Career-wise anyway.

Have great concerts in Osaka this weekend.
I wish I could go again, but alas work calls.

Take care, Subaru.

Love you,

Aniella

10

Dear Subaru,

How are you?

Once again it's been a while.

Congratulations on your movie!
I'm really proud of you!
I feel like you're challenging yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone, expanding and growing, and that makes me happy.  It inspires me.

It also makes me wonder how you're doing. How the experience is going for you.
Do you get nervous? Are you scared? Excited? Is this building your confidence? Are you having fun?

I've been thinking a lot about you lately.

I'm also doing something new in my job this year, and I feel like I'm stretching and growing and challenging myself too.

I feel connected to you right now.  Like we're going through similar things maybe.

I like that feeling.
I like feeling like we're in this together somehow.

It makes me happy. And I can't stop thinking about you.
Sometimes I even find myself entertaining the thought that we're soulmates. That maybe someday we might even meet and have a relationship of some kind.

The thought is completely unrealistic.
You're famous. Unreachable. We live in two totally different worlds. There's a language and cultural barrier too.

And yet I truly believe that anything is possible.

I'm not delusional enough to believe there's a good chance (or even a real chance) that it will happen.
But I indulge in the fantasy from time to time.

I'm not quite sure why.
Because it's nice?
Because I have no one else, no one 'real', to set my sights on?

I don't doubt the connection I feel to you. But I'm conscious of the fact that it's no different than what thousands of other girls must feel.

Because of everything that happened the first few years I was a fan I used to think I was somehow special. That we had a special connection. Sometimes even now I let myself wonder. Dream?

But the reality is that all those things that happened were luck, or maybe even a gift or blessing from God or Fate, but none of it meant the connection I felt to you was special or that we're soulmates in any way.

I want a soulmate though. I want someone that makes me feel like you do.

I don't think I long for it quite as desperately as I used to but the feeling is still there.

The difference is that now I'm more resigned, more accepting.
Whatever happens happens.
Maybe I'll find someone and maybe I won't.

This desire is a part of me and I'm not going to fight it anymore, just how I'm not going to fight my feelings for you. Because ultimately, whether based on fantasy or not, these feelings are real. And at least I get to love. It's not the whole package, not everything I could want. Frankly, it's all in my head. But it's the experience of 'love' I've been given and I'm learning to be grateful for what I have and what I can get.

The last couple of years, and specifically the last year, have been humbling.

It's ironic, but despite all my issues with low self-esteem - or maybe because of them, I've always felt that I deserved better. I made myself a victim, not understanding why no one loved or wanted me, why I wasn't good enough; and comforted myself by thinking I was special and should be loved and that someday someone would realize how worthy I am and give me the love and appreciation I really craved.

But after what's happened with my family and the continuous rejection I've faced both professionally and personally, I've realized that I don't deserve anything.

The good things in life are a gift.

You get what you get, whatever that lot may be, and you try to make the best of it. If things go well and you get everything you want it's because you've been blessed and gifted. Not because you deserved it or didn't. No one is entitled to anything.

Amazing, miraculous things can happen to anyone. So can the worst of tragedies.

So now I don't expect anything.

I'll always want. My heart will continue to long until the day it stops beating.
But it's no longer a matter of life being on my side or not.
Life just is what it is.

Maybe I'll find my purpose and make it big somehow. Maybe I'll die poor and unfulfilled.
Maybe I'll finally get to experience that love and intimacy with someone that I so long for. Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life dreaming of a man I'll never truly know.

I don't know what's going to happen.

What I do know is that I can wake up every day and do my best to stay grounded and positive, to be grateful for what I do have and what's right in front of me.
It's my choice to believe in miracles. In dreams that come true. In true love.
And I do believe.
Because that's the world I want to live in; a world where magical things can happen.
Even if they don't happen to me.

And in the end I'm just one person. It's not all about me anyway.

And so are you, for that matter. Though to me you're one in a million.

Hope the filming is going well!
Do your best!

With love,

Aniella

Dear Subaru,

You will never read this. And even if the world turned upside down and you did you wouldn't understand because I'm not going to translate this into Japanese. That's why I can write this here where no one and especially you will ever care enough to look.

I don't understand the point of my life. Sometimes - a lot lately - I wish I'd never been born.

Most of the time I don't write what I'm feeling unless it's something positive or I can find a way to put a positive twist on whatever it is, because I want to be an inspiration. Not a drag. Not a vampire that sucks all the good out of people. But you know what? Every time I write something nice or encouraging deep down I'm scared it will come back and bite me in the ass. And it does. Every time. Because for every good thought  in my head there are a hundred more negative ones. I'm a hypocrite. I preach about being grateful and moving forward and trying to shine but most of the time I'm incapable of those things.

I'm the person that's angry, hurt, hopeless, and has nothing to give. Who more often than not feels invisible and worthless. I want so badly to be someone. For my life to have meaning. But I'm just nothing.

I've tried hard to get out of this hole but it must be where I belong because I'm always back here.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to work through my issues and love myself. I'm tired of trying to get the audition or the job. I'm tired of being alone, untouched. I'm tired of feeling sad for my family. I'm tired of feeling guilty for feeling the way I do. I'm tired of loving someone I'll never know. I'm tired of longing. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of feeling invisible. I'm tired of things not working out. I'm tired of knowing I'm wasting my life because even so I'm blessed with clothes on my back and a roof over my head. I'm tired of being ignored. And most of all I'm tired of trying so hard to be a better person and to make something of my life and failing.

A friend told me that happy endings and happiness are all different for everyone because we are all different and so one person's image of an amazing life differs from another's. I agree. So I thought about what my version would look like. Am I sad because I'm looking at other people's versions and thinking that should be mine?

When I look at what I want from life I see two things: love and purpose.  Maybe that's vague so let me explain. I'm sure it's what everyone wants, but here's what it looks like for me....

I want to be with someone heart and soul. I want to share myself with someone in the deepest way possible, to entangle our bodies, our hearts, our souls, and understand each other. I want to give myself completely and I want the same in return, I want someone by my side as we navigate life and grow spiritually together, always supporting each other, challenging each other, and always accepting and honoring where the other person is at. I want a true soul companion on my journey. I want to be part of a partnership that inspires others with its purity of heart. And perhaps silliest of all, I really just want to be in love. Properly. To like someone so much and know they feel the same way about me too. To hold and be held. For my eyes to flutter shut as he kisses me and it tastes so sweet...  I'm not particular about whether or not there's a marriage license involved. And while I would love to share the experience of parenthood with that person, it's not a deal breaker. I'm getting older and by the time I find someone if I ever do it's very likely that I will no longer be able to have a baby.

As far as purpose goes... I want to feel like I'm part of humanity's evolution. Like I'm doing something that affects the world in a positive way. I want to be seen, and to shine. To really come into my own so that I can do good for the world. I want to be a leader, an example. I want to have a show on TV or the internet that pioneers and supports new ways of thinking and living, that can pave the way for a better world by presenting role models. I want to talk to people about what we can do to heal ourselves and the planet. I want to steer the media and entertainment industry away from being empty propaganda and mindless distraction. I want, instead, for it to be a source of hope and empowerment, and an example of all that we CAN do as human beings. Of all the good, love, and healing we're capable of.

So do you see how I'm a hypocrite?

This is coming from a person who has never had more than a few dates and who is just as damaged, if not more so, than your average person. I may be drawn to all these lovely groundbreaking ideas but I'm no example. I'm still trying to hold my own in the conventional world, nowhere near ready to level up and be part of the new,evolutionary way of living.

Maybe the problem is that I always thought I was somehow special. That that kind of love was out there for me and that I would make a difference. That I had a special gift and light to shine on the world and that if I just healed the wounds of my childhood I'd be able to pull those things out of myself and create a beautiful, amazing life full of love and meaning, that would maybe even touch hearts around the world. I'd leave a mark. I'd do my part. I'd grow and evolve spiritually. And I would die having made the most of my existence.

But nothing is going according to plan. Whatever journey of self-discovery and healing I've been on only keeps getting more painful as I discover time and time again that the world does not want what I have to give (To the point that I don't even know what it is I have to offer anymore.) There only seems to be rejection at every turn. Perhaps because what I have, what I am,  is nothing special. Because I'm not beautiful or particularly talented and all these passionate feelings about healing and changing the world for good are just that... feelings.  I don't know how to do any of those things. I'm just like the majority of the population on this planet who has no fucking clue except for the fact, perhaps, that I think about this stuff more often than others might.

I used to scoff at the emptiness I perceived in the typical suburban life and say that I never wanted to just stay in one place and get married, have kids, and have some random job just so I could have more material things. But I wonder now if part of me wasn't just jealous of that simplicity. And if part of me resented it because it didn't feel like an option open to me. After all, if I couldn't get a boyfriend how was I ever going to get married and have kids?

Even now I wonder if there's not an aspect of that still at play. Maybe I'm trying so hard to find some kind of purpose or meaning to my life because I could never get it in the typical way women are taught we're "valuable." That is, by being a wife and mother. If I can't be a wife and mother then I have to find some other purpose, something bigger. Why should my value be determined by my usefulness to men or to society? No, I'll go beyond it. I'll be valuable to the world, to humanity... Something like that....

I'm sorry I am how I am. I'm sorry I'm selfish and ungrateful. I know despite the struggles that I've been blessed. I've always had everything I need to live and the privilege of a good education, the chance to travel and enjoy entertainment. But I feel empty. I feel invisible. I feel like my place on earth would be better allotted to someone else. Like, I'm wasting it all.

It used to be a matter of self-loathing. Then I got angry at the world for making me feel forsaken. And now I don't know how to feel. I realize the whole 'you create your reality' thing comes to play here but if this is all my creation then I feel nothing but defeat. Because it's not like I haven't spent the last five years trying to address and fix my insides in hopes of  "creating" a better life. The thought of trying again. And again. And yet again is mendokkusai.

So... I'm going to gather all the energy I can barely muster and try to be hopeful, positive, and do my best to put myself out there in order to..... what, exactly? Get more rejection emails from agencies on a daily basis? Have my roommate get mad at me for practically everything, for basically existing? Have people say they want to work with me and then not follow through? Watch my family fall apart? Be overlooked by every man on the planet?

I feel like I've tried and the Gods have spoken. The answer is NO.

So what's left for me to do, huh? I don't even know what I believe in anymore. Even the whole 'everyone is special in some way and has a special gift to give the world'  idea is questionable right now.

And maybe the worst part is that I know by now that no one is coming to make it better. There are no knights in shining armor, no interventions, and hell, not even hugs. I am alone like I've always been. And I can't go home because there's only more suffering there.

And I'm so greedy that even at the Eito concert I was sad because I wanted you to look at me and you didn't. God, give me that at least! It's not like you'll ever know me but at least let me have one moment....

But who says I deserve that look more than any other girl in that dome. I don't. Who cares what I'm going through. And who knows what every other girl is going through.

I'm glad you're happy. It must be great to be seen and adored and supported and to know that you inspire and bring a smile to thousands of people.

I would love to be even a fraction of what you are.

But it doesn't look like I'll ever get it right.

I don't understand why, but dreams don't come true for everyone.

You're one of the lucky ones and I'm not. I always felt we were the same. We're both just people and your heart has suffered a lot too. I thought maybe I had charisma too and that I could have some kind of impact on others. But I guess we only ever see what we want to. Because you and I are completely different. You're on another level.
You're shining and I feel mostly dead inside.
This is why we'll never meet.
I'd probably just bring you down.
And that's not right.

Stay bright, Subaru.

I can fade away and no one will notice or care, but that's not the case for you.

Aniella

08

Dear Subaru,

It's been a while hasn't it?

I turned 29. I can't believe that in just one more year I'll be 30!

The last few years have been the worst.
A lot of ups and downs. A lot of tears.
Hopelessness. Frustration. Fear.
I was resigned to it staying like this.
With 30 looming I thought for sure I would feel worse.
Like, here I am 30 and I've gotten nowhere....
I was NOT looking forward to the future.

But surprisingly enough things have turned a corner!
Actually, even with 30 in the distance, I feel calm. A strange sense of comfort.
There's no need to fight anymore. You can only fight for so long before you allow yourself to accept and forgive. I understand what's inside me and I can live with it now. I can even embrace and respect it.
This is who I am and it's okay! In fact, it's great!!!
My life might not be what I thought it would be by now. But in some ways it's so much more.
And everything I've been through has led  me to this moment. To my growth and evolution.

I can't help but be proud of myself.
I set 2013 as the year in which I would start to work things out and it's taken until October but it's beginning to happen!

There were some things that happened this summer that made me realize that there's no point in focusing on what you aren't or what you feel you're missing. You never know when life is going to throw a curve ball at you so instead of focusing on how nothing is working, or nothing is how you expected or wanted it to be, it's better to focus on the positive so you can get all the joy you can. We can't change a lot of what happens around us, and we certainly can't change our past, but we can make peace and love what is instead of what we wish was. We can change our attitude. And we can change our focus.
We can focus on what's good in our lives. On what we love.  On the people we love. On what we believe in. On the simple fact that our life is a blessing. It's a journey. It's an opportunity to grow and do good.
No matter what we're here to feel and learn and evolve.
We're not here to acquire status or possessions or to control fate.
We're here as a gift. 

And isn't life a wonderful thing?
Because when we stop focusing on the negative and let go of some of that fear and hurt good just comes flooding in!

Lately, I've been meeting so many interesting people and making new friends!
I want to go out! I feel ready and excited to participate in the world!
This is new, believe me.
For a while there, I really isolated myself. I only had two friends I saw on a regular basis and then one moved away. But that's how it was supposed to be. It reminds of something I read in a book one time. The author said that when you're facing a lot of internal wounds and going through the process of cleansing and growing, that you'll notice that you're alone a lot, that your circle of friends gets smaller. And that was certainly true for me in the last few years.

But now my heart is opening again and so so are the doors letting new people and things into my life.

And from here who knows?

Maybe I'll even meet you someday :)

I wonder what's to come....
You're 32. How's it been for you since you turned the corner? I know you had a turning point too around the time you turned 30. So I wonder what your experience has been like since! What are your new challenges and discoveries?

I can't wait to see you in concert again.
So looking forward to it!

Much love,

Aniella

P.S. The Book: http://www.thepresenceportal.com/ (日本語のページもあるよ）

07

Dear Subaru,

Do you ever feel knocked down?
Try and try again and nothing?

Plans canceled or forgotten. Emails unreturned. Invitations ignored. Projects in limbo.

Does it ever piss you off?

It's a fucking honor to know me. I have a lot to offer.
I'm passionate.
I'm engaged.
I try to be aware. I care about the world I live in.
I try.
To face my pain. To give back.
To love and to heal.

But sometimes it doesn't seem to matter.

I'm just like any other person, worthy and good, and I demand to be seen!

So I'm just going to do my thing.

Call it stubborn. Call it persistence. Call it whatever you want but I'm tired of lying down. If you don't want what I have then so be it. But I'm here. I have something to give. And that's no accident. Someday. Someday someone... the world...will want me. My very own unique combination of qualities and gifts and talents.

And until then I'll be here.
Nurturing.
Festering.
Blossoming.
Gestating.

Then I'll be in full bloom and you won't be able to miss me.

Expand.

Aniella