10

Dear Subaru,

How are you?

Once again it's been a while.

Congratulations on your movie!
I'm really proud of you!
I feel like you're challenging yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone, expanding and growing, and that makes me happy.  It inspires me.

It also makes me wonder how you're doing. How the experience is going for you.
Do you get nervous? Are you scared? Excited? Is this building your confidence? Are you having fun?

I've been thinking a lot about you lately.

I'm also doing something new in my job this year, and I feel like I'm stretching and growing and challenging myself too.

I feel connected to you right now.  Like we're going through similar things maybe.

I like that feeling.
I like feeling like we're in this together somehow.

It makes me happy. And I can't stop thinking about you.
Sometimes I even find myself entertaining the thought that we're soulmates. That maybe someday we might even meet and have a relationship of some kind.

The thought is completely unrealistic.
You're famous. Unreachable. We live in two totally different worlds. There's a language and cultural barrier too.

And yet I truly believe that anything is possible.

I'm not delusional enough to believe there's a good chance (or even a real chance) that it will happen.
But I indulge in the fantasy from time to time.

I'm not quite sure why.
Because it's nice?
Because I have no one else, no one 'real', to set my sights on?

I don't doubt the connection I feel to you. But I'm conscious of the fact that it's no different than what thousands of other girls must feel.

Because of everything that happened the first few years I was a fan I used to think I was somehow special. That we had a special connection. Sometimes even now I let myself wonder. Dream?

But the reality is that all those things that happened were luck, or maybe even a gift or blessing from God or Fate, but none of it meant the connection I felt to you was special or that we're soulmates in any way.

I want a soulmate though. I want someone that makes me feel like you do.

I don't think I long for it quite as desperately as I used to but the feeling is still there.

The difference is that now I'm more resigned, more accepting.
Whatever happens happens.
Maybe I'll find someone and maybe I won't.

This desire is a part of me and I'm not going to fight it anymore, just how I'm not going to fight my feelings for you. Because ultimately, whether based on fantasy or not, these feelings are real. And at least I get to love. It's not the whole package, not everything I could want. Frankly, it's all in my head. But it's the experience of 'love' I've been given and I'm learning to be grateful for what I have and what I can get.

The last couple of years, and specifically the last year, have been humbling.

It's ironic, but despite all my issues with low self-esteem - or maybe because of them, I've always felt that I deserved better. I made myself a victim, not understanding why no one loved or wanted me, why I wasn't good enough; and comforted myself by thinking I was special and should be loved and that someday someone would realize how worthy I am and give me the love and appreciation I really craved.

But after what's happened with my family and the continuous rejection I've faced both professionally and personally, I've realized that I don't deserve anything.

The good things in life are a gift.

You get what you get, whatever that lot may be, and you try to make the best of it. If things go well and you get everything you want it's because you've been blessed and gifted. Not because you deserved it or didn't. No one is entitled to anything.

Amazing, miraculous things can happen to anyone. So can the worst of tragedies.

So now I don't expect anything.

I'll always want. My heart will continue to long until the day it stops beating.
But it's no longer a matter of life being on my side or not.
Life just is what it is.

Maybe I'll find my purpose and make it big somehow. Maybe I'll die poor and unfulfilled.
Maybe I'll finally get to experience that love and intimacy with someone that I so long for. Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life dreaming of a man I'll never truly know.

I don't know what's going to happen.

What I do know is that I can wake up every day and do my best to stay grounded and positive, to be grateful for what I do have and what's right in front of me.
It's my choice to believe in miracles. In dreams that come true. In true love.
And I do believe.
Because that's the world I want to live in; a world where magical things can happen.
Even if they don't happen to me.

And in the end I'm just one person. It's not all about me anyway.

And so are you, for that matter. Though to me you're one in a million.

Hope the filming is going well!
Do your best!

With love,

Aniella